Death of a Friend- My Vacuum

My vacuum is on his death bed. I am limiting his use and trying to stretch out his life span as long as possible. My birthday is coming up and my husband thinks a new vacuum would be the perfect gift for me. I am thinking, that if I prolong my vacuums life until after next week, I will get a nice present for my birthday and when my vacuum finally does pass, a new vacuum too!

My vacuum just has not been his usual, sucky self. He was so weak today that he could hardly pick up a bobby pin, how sad is that? He has also been making some odd noises and giving off some, not so pleasant smells. My husband would say that the smell is from the food that I vacuum up from under my son's chair after he eats lunch, or maybe, from the cat food that I vacuum up daily. He even goes so far as to say, that it could be from me never emptying the creepy, canister thing. But I know the truth, it is the smell of death!

For now, I will cherish our moments together and vacuum like everyday is our last. Hold on dear friend...at least for one more week!

Yodels...the new fruit?

Why can't Yodels be healthy? I don't mean the "yodelaehoooooos", I mean those damn chocolate covered yummies with the cream inside. The ones that are all rolled up, like a tiny treasure. First you delicately peel the thin chocolate layer off with your teeth, then gently unroll out the chocolate cake and lick the cream out as you go, until your down to just the middle. Each bite is savored until the little, last bit is gone.....OH YA!!!!...they come TWO in a package!!! How freaking great is that!!!??? The second one, I eat free style.

Sorry for any typos, I am typing all this with one hand (I am still on the first yodel...savoring....)

PS: FYI, YES, I AM off my diet, just until this frigging box of yodels is gone!  :)

Odd Thought

If you lick a pigs nose, will it taste like ham?

Mothers Hours

I think a mother's hour should be twice as long as a non-mother's hour. Doesn't that sound fair? Our job is the hardest job in the world (Say's Oprah) and we don't even get paid for doing it!

We are gardeners, except we grow children instead of flowers. We are cooks, housekeepers and laundromats. We are personal organizers, chauffeurs and referees. We are teachers, healers and body guards. We do not work a 40 hour work week.  We do not get a half hour for lunch, sick days and vacation days. Our work week is more like 168 hours, our lunch breaks are when we grab something quick to eat and have to share it with 3 other people. Our sick days consist of us getting sick without any time off, getting our kids sick and having to take care of our sick kids while we are just starting to get over being sick ourselves. Vacation days? What the heck are those?

A mothers hour is never long enough to get the job done. At the end of the day, all the left over work just gets rolled over to the next day. If it could only be more like pre-paid phones, no roll over minutes, you just start from scratch when the month is done. I could live with that! I could also live with 90 minute mothers hours....either that, or maybe an extra set of arms.

 The kids all went to bed with stuffy noses, it is going to be a long night of whining and sniffling, hmmmm, ....I think I just changed my mind about the whole mothers hour idea. Sixty minutes with 3 sick kids sounds a lot better to me now, than ninety minutes with 3 sick kids. Though I do still think the extra set of arms would come in very handy tonight!

Poop is a four letter word

My 4yr old twins cannot control their silly minds, they giggle at the grossest things, they laugh at their every body function....natural and forced. My two year old copies whatever the twins do, so between the 3 of them, its gigglefest and grossfest all day long.

They have also learned a few new words to go along with these gross thaughts and actions.
1. Boofer Butt
2. Boofenator (my daughter has even made up a song about this one)
3. Butt Head
4 .Bummer Face
5. Poop Head
6. Stinker Butt
7. Pooper Sniffer
8. Fart
9. Fart Buster
10. crap
Just to name a few..

I do not condone these words, especially when they are said in a very loud voice in the checkout line at Target. I try my best not to laugh at some of the crazy/disgusting things that they come out with, but sometimes its hard. The kids are cute and innocent to look at, then they open up their mouths and these ugly words pop out.

I guess there are alot worse things that they could be saying. It is better to have them laughing about gross things other than crying about anything. But honestly, I doin't know where they hear this kind of talk!

Enough of this gross talk, I have to get off my lazy butt and get some crap done, before I am too pooped to do anything. :)

Don't you hate it when...

 Don't you hate it when you write out a whole post and just when you are close to the end...it deletes itself??????

The Best Diet Ever

I have created a link down on the right to this great diet. It is called The Diet Solution, this is the only diet that I have been able to follow and actually lose weight! 20 pounds so far!!

 It is all about eating whole foods and drinking alot of water. I feel so good when I eat like this, I have more energy and my husband says I am alot nicer of a person. Who knew? Eat better, lose weight, become a nicer person (and a thinner person)

If you want to check this diet out, just click on the link below and see for yourself!

What do you get...

What do you get when you are alone with 5 kids at a playground and one has to pee really bad? 
A big puddle at the bottom of the slide.
A kid walking really funny on the way to the car.
And a wet ride home.

Thanks to my sister who dealt with the situation very gracefully.

A day without naps

You know those days that seem to last forever? I swear, every time I looked at the clock today, it was three o'clock! The kids did not have naps, which could have been the reason for the long, never ending day, or the fact that I watched my sisters 4 year old twins for a few hours. A few hours with four 4 year olds and a 2 year old will make any day seem like forever. It was kind of like watching TNA wrestling, Super Nanny(before she shows up at the house), and Bloopers all at once. All I wanted to do was change the channel, but couldn't find the stinking remote!

My butt must have some kind of beeper on it, as soon as it hits the chair, a buzzer goes off, it causes all the kids to scream and cry at once. My voice seems to be on mute, I cannot find out how to unmute it and turn the volume up.  My mind is stuck on replay, or it might just be that my kids keep saying and doing the same annoying things over and over and over and over...see? Where is that damn remote?

The one good thing about not having naps, is the early bedtime! Hopefully the kids will be in bed early and I can finally sit down without any buzzing sounds and watch my reality TV. Oh crap, I've got to go find that friggen remote!

Ghosts, rocks and animals...OH MY!

Been busy ghost hunting, rock collecting and saving wild animals. Going to the beach tomorrow with Mom, Sis, friends and 12 kids.  Twelve kids equal...12 buckets...thats alot of rocks! Hopefully there are no baby animals at the beach to follow me home.   L

Silly Things That Scare Me

1. Dust bunnies, they sound cute, but are really NOT.
2. Cat hair tumbleweeds, I know they are only made from a cats fur, but the way they glide across the floor in the slightest of breeze....spooky!
3. Seaweed, you see it from afar, floating without any agenda, a wave comes, you can't get out of the way fast enough. Its suddenly wraped around your leg, trying to drown you in the 2 feet of water in which you stand....disgusting!
4. Fast moving bugs, all those creepy, little legs running towards me!
5. Slow moving bugs, they take thier time, for the dramatic effect!
6. Ducks
7. Bodies of water at night
8. Men with ponytails, just thinking of the little jar of colored elastics they might have on thier bathroom sink...eeeew.
9. Bad teeth
10. No teeth
11. Armpit hair, male or female!
12. Hairy moles, the hair always looks like its going to reach out and poke me!

There are many more, but these are the ones that come to mind first.
Add a coment if you like and tell me what silly things scare you.

Tight Underwear

Wearing tight underwear really does put me in a bad mood.
 Note to self: buy bigger underwear.... or get a smaller ass.

My New Diet Plan- Its Working!

I recently found out that I have a thyroid problem, I learned this through my Chiropractor, who is also a nutritionist. She put me on supplements and a special diet to heal my thyroid. I agreed to go along with it for as long as I could, in hopes of healing and getting my life back to normal.

The diet eliminates all dairy, soy and wheat. You cannot have anything with high fructose corn syrup, or aspartame in it. (low calorie sugar, like sweet-n-low or splenda) When my doctor told me this, I was a little shocked, I live on ice coffee, chocolate and Diet Coke! I didn't have a clue about what I was going to eat for the next 6 weeks. I had my doctor make a list of the things I couldn't have and a list of the new foods that I would be eating for the weeks to come.

 When I got home, I immediately got on the computer to try and make sense of this new way of eating. I was surprised to find out that it was an actual diet, not just a way to heal my thyroid. I came across this website http://www.thedietsolutionprogram.com/. I watched the free video, it was loaded with information and answered a lot of the questions I had lingering in my mind. It finally all made sense to me. I ended up buying the ebooks to this diet, they are full of  recipes, workouts, shopping lists and everything you need to know about eating healthy. I will be happy to share all the information with you if you are interested.

I have been on the "thyroid healing diet" for about 3 months and have lost 25 pounds! Some of the weight loss is from my thyroid healing and now working properly. The rest of it is from this new way of eating. I finally have hope that I will regain my cute body back someday. I know my body will never be exactly the same as it was B.C. (before children) but I do believe, that one day,  I will be able to walk by a mirror and not be afraid to look at the reflection looking back at me.

Wormy

My daughter loves worms. She actually loves them to death! She will beg me to find her one, I do feel bad giving her a healthy, juicy worm, knowing that, within hours it will be near death, stretched out, skinny and dry. My daughter thinks she is showing the worm love, by putting it in her pocket so it won't run away.  She thinks the worm is having fun, being slowly rolled down the hot slide, or being swung on her swing....really, really high!

 I watch as she dances with wormy, declares her love for wormy,  then chucks wormy across the yard when wormy poops on her hand. She spends the next hour trying to find her lost love, while whining and crying the whole time. By the time she finally finds wormy, he's lifeless and dry. Lunch time (for the kids, not wormy), my daughter uses all of her toddler skills to try and get wormy into the house with her. After many minutes of a borderline nutty (tantrum), I talk her into letting wormy take a nap outside, while she eats her lunch.

Lunch is always full of drama, my daughter forgets about her pet that is outside on the patio, in a bucket with 4 pieces of grass, in the hot, summer sun. I ship her and her brothers off to bed for their naps, trying to keep the focus on tasks at hand, we don't need anymore drama. Once they are all in bed and quiet, I sneak outside, carefully pick up the bucket with my daughters new best friend in it and carry it to the garden. I empty him out, being sure that he is hidden from sight. I place the bucket back where it was on the patio.

My daughter wakes up an hour later in a panic, "Mom, I gotta go see wormy!". She runs out the door, hair sticking up all over, still half asleep. The drama begins again, wormy is gone! I tell her that he must have crawled out of the bucket and went back home to see his mom. Since this is something she can relate to, she is sad, but understands. She tells the boys the sad news and runs off to go swing. Ten minutes later, shes digging, "Mom, can you help me find a worm?"

The Naked Truth

I am seriously thinking about moving my family to the nearest nudist colony,  so I can cut back on doing so many loads of laundry per day.

Am I really talking?

Sometimes I'm not sure if I am really talking to my kids, or if their ears are just flapped over and they cannot hear me. I have to say things 3 or 4 times until they even acknowledge that I am talking to them. Another 5 or 6 times until they actually hear what I am saying to them. Another 2 hours until they finally do what I've been asking them to do! I feel like all I do is repeat myself, the same phrases over and over. I am so sick of saying these things...
 

1. Get your finger out of your nose!
2. Get your finger out of your sister's nose!
3. What button did you push?
4. How did you get your finger stuck in there?
5. Where is your brother?
6. Don't eat that!
7. Please eat!
8. Get off the cat!
9. Get off your head!
10. Get off your sister's head!
11. Don't spit that out!
12. Spit that out right now!
13. Pick that up!
14. Don't you dare pick that up!
15. Don't put that on your head!
16. Get out of the trash!
17. Don't do that!
18. Will you just do it!
19. What is your name?
20. How old are you?
21. Don't put that in your pants!
22. Please stop talking!

All of these phrases are used at least once a day, usually by 10am each morning. After I say each of these things, no matter to which child, it it followed up with a "Why Mom?"

Welcome to my day. :)

Crappy, Oops, I mean, Happy Mothers Day

A day of sweet, handmade cards, that my husband will force the kids to make. I know the only reason the kids will sit through it, is because they get to use the glue sticks! My hands will be sticky after the first card, I will then stick to all the other cards and accidentally pull off the tiny sparkly details, that will cause some kind of breakdown for sure. Then I will go vacuum under the table, where they made the cards the night before.

Breakfast in bed...more like, coffee on the couch.

I'll do a few loads of laundry, empty and refill the dishwasher, give the kids a nutritious breakfast of powdered donuts and juice. I'll take a nice long shower, most likely with a couple kids taking their morning poops in the bathroom with me. I will break up a few wrestling matches, clean up the house, and fight with the kids to get themselves dressed.

My husband is buying me an outdoor swing for my special day. Four kids, at Lowes, on a Sunday....I just can't wait! I will con my husband into getting me some flowers to plant in the yard, oh, and also picking up moms day flowers for my own mother. The rest of the day will be spent telling the kids about 80 times why we are not planting the flowers in the yard TODAY. We will visit Nana and Gramma. A few tantrums will break out (I call them nutties) when its time to leave. On the way home, the kids will ask, another 40 times if we can plant the flowers when we get home.

I will come home to a messy house and whiny kids and my husband leaving for work. I will clean up the house, get the kids washed up and off to bed. I will finally get to sit down with my computer and try to watch my reality show, I will have to pause it 3 or 4 times, because my daughter will keep getting out of bed to ask me if we can plant the flowers tomorrow.

Moms do not get a free pass, even on Mothers Day. So, enjoy your day of sticky hands, 1000 questions, and everything you normally do in a non-Mothers Day day. We are moms, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year and we wouldn't have it any other way. Happy/Crappy Mothers Day to you!

Drop That Cupcake Diet

I've been on a diet now, for about 30 years. I still have not reached my goal weight. I have done the Slim Fast diet, the Weight Watchers diet, the starvation diet, the kids picking off of your plate diet, along with a few other crazy diets. I do not have time in my day to count each calorie I eat, or every point I consume. I don't want to drink my meal from a can or die from starvation. I think every woman is looking for a way to lose weight, the faster the better. If that way is also healthy, wouldn't that be excellent?

Being a mom, we usually put our needs last, There is just not enough time in the day to fit in a trip to the gym, or a leisurely run.. unless the carriage your children are in, gets loose and rolls down the driveway headed toward the street. I have tried to work out at home. Yoga ball workout, turned into 3 kids bouncing on an upside down mom and a few bumped heads. Zumba, turned into 3 kids in their underwear, wrestling to Reggaeton music. Latin dance ended in a few squished toes and a lot of crying, and Turbo Jam brought out the karate kids, little fists and feet flying everywhere. I will not give up, trying to fit a workout in my day somewhere, but for now, we do a cardio cleanup, where we run around the house and try and pick up the messy rooms as fast as we can, the kids get excited that I am letting them run in the house and I am happy that they are actually putting things away as they fly down the hall.

 Even though you can't fit an hour long workout into your day, you can still lose weight. By just changing what you eat, you will drop pounds and feel better about your self. I am not saying that you shouldn't try and find time to exercise, but don't put off your diet because you think it won't do any good unless you workout.  I have recently lost 18 pounds by just changing the way I eat. Through my chiropractor, who is also a nutritionist, I have learned a new, healthy way to consume food, have more energy and never be hungry. With all this new energy I have, maybe, just maybe, I will find time in my day to start working out. I think I will start.....next week. :)

In my next post, I will talk about the diet and all the information I have learned. For now, drop that cupcake and think thin, healthy thoughts.

You know if you have a big mommy butt if:

1. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you are sitting on your child's matchbox car and do not even realize it.

2. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you hip-check your children across the room when you walk by them and don't even notice.

3. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you think there is enough room on the couch for you to fit in between two of your children and end up half sitting on one of them.

4.You know your have a big mommy butt if: you are looking at a picture of a woman, thinking she has such a  big ass, only to realize that its YOU in the picture.

5. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you have stopped asking your husband "Do these pants make my butt look big"

6. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you no longer use a hand mirror to check out how your butt looks before leaving the house.

7. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you think twice about sitting in the tiny chairs at your child's preschool.

8. You know you have a big mommy butt if: your child says "Mommy, you have a big butt"

9. You know you have a big mommy butt if: your new jeans come with a "wide load" sticker stuck to the back.

10.  You know you have a big mommy butt if: your children are following you, when you make a sudden stop and the first child bumps into your butt, bounces off and knocks down the rest of the kids behind them.

11. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you look at the cute pants you used to wear before you had children and believe they shrunk about 10 sizes from the fluctuating temperatures up in the attic.

12. You know you have a big mommy butt if: its like lost and found when you get off the couch.

13. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you hear a beep, beep, beep sound in your head as your backing up.

 And finally, you know if you have a big mommy butt if: your a mommy that has a big butt.

 Living with a big mommy butt is not easy, but you have the power to change that. You must make the choice to accept the butt you now have, or to do something about it and make it the butt you want to have.

I am working on changing my big mommy butt, one day I might just be brave enough to get my hand mirror out and check out the view, but for now I'm just happy that it is all behind me. :)

Adventures In Vacuuming

My vacuum and I have a love/hate relationship, it is my weapon, my black mail tool, and sometimes my enemy. I use it to battle my nemesis....the spider! They don't have a chance with my super sucker, I can reach them up in the corners and across the floor, when they are trying to make a quick getaway. My vacuum also transforms into an important bargaining tool. When the kids refuse to pick up their rooms, all I have to do is wheel out my scary friend and the kids go running to their rooms to save the Polly's and army guys from death. It also works well in getting rid of the cats for an hour or so. 

 My vacuum does have a little bit of an ego, its power and its quickness, is sometimes more than I can handle. It seems to have a mind of its own, sucking up everything in its path. It once sucked up a fluffy cat toy, I only got a quick look at it before it was disappearing into the long skinny attachment, I freaked out, thinking I was sucking up my cats tail!  I accidentally sucked up a sock the other day, it wasn't a little one either, it was a full size, adult sock....what a funny noise it made "thooooooouuup", I was pretty impressed with my vacuum's suction to tell you the truth.  Then came the dreaded task of fishing it out of the dust canister, not my favorite chore. I grabbed the tongs and carefully removed the sock from the filter of my vacuum. It was so hairy and dusty that my kids ran away screaming, they thought it was a dead animal! It was pretty gross. So, into the trash it went, just like the "Oops, sorry mommy, I pooped a little bit in my underwear" underwear, it just isn't worth it to me. Get rid of the evidence quick and its like it never happened. 

Vacuuming is always a dramatic event, its like a rated PG13 movie, there is a little violence, swearing, horror, and of course, comedy. There has never been a time when I haven't walked away with some kind of injury after vacuuming the house, mostly, bumps and bruises, except for this one time. The vacuum got hold of the ties on the bottom of my Capri's, it sucked them up so quick, I fought with them for a good 3 or 4 minutes before I thought of hitting the power button to shut the vacuum off! (dumb a**) I pulled my ties out, but didn't realize they were covered in melted rubber. It ended up burning all my fingers on my right hand. The rubber was melted onto my skin, kind of like hot glue, when you don't believe the glue is really that hot! It was painful for a few days, but not as painful as telling my husband what happened. Did you ever see that movie, A Cry in the Dark, with Meryl Streep? ''The dingo ate my baby", that's all I could think of while I was explaining to my husband what had happened. "The vacuum ate my pants".

I'm working on forgiving my vacuum, it has done a lot of dirty work for me, like taking care of bugs, tumbleweeds, hairballs, mysterious gross things and all the hairy treasures under the couch. We are a team and we mean business. When I roll that baby out, watch out...because it will always be an adventure!

Moms Are Just Women.....But With Super Powers

I believe that women come into their powers, not at a certain age, but at the moment when they give birth.  They suddenly become superhuman.

 I used to believe that my own mother was an alien, she knew what I was up to, even though she was nowhere to be seen. She seemed to be able to be in two places at once. She used her mind-control on my teachers, so that I would pass the 7th grade, even though I went to school only once a week. She knew things, she had an intense stare that could make you do things, she was almost spooky!  I wondered when she would be found out and we would be sent back to our home planet, then one day,  I realized, she wasn't an alien, she was just a MOM.

Since I've become a mom, I have come into my own super powers, I now understand how my mother did what she did and still does what she does. If your a mom, I'm sure your aware of these magical powers you now have, but for  those of you who are not mothers or are soon to be moms, here is a list of some of the abilities us moms have acquired.

1. Supersonic hearing- we hear things, even dogs can't hear.
2. The extra set of eyes in the back of our head- just because you don't see us looking, doesn't  mean we don't know what your doing.
3. Ultra sensitive sniffer- we can smell poop to soup and what was unknowingly sprayed on the cat.
4. Voice changer- our ability to go from sweet baby talk, to "I mean business", to POSSESSED, in a matter of seconds.
5. Healing kisses
6. Safety hands
7. Sleep aid
8. Magic hugs
9. Elastic arms
10. Evil eye
11. Bug detection
12. Third arm

We might not have the silky, red cape, or the ability to fly, but we do have an alter ego and its called MOM. We drive our cool mom-mobile (also known to non-moms, as the mini-van). We are just a flash of shimmery hair, big purses and large sunglasses (for identity purposes), trying to get our to-do-lists done by 8pm, so we can finally (maybe) rest, get a snack (the only one we don't have to share with anyone), sit down (amongst the tiny toys and stale fishys)  and watch our reality TV,  while we make our new to-do-list for tomorrow.

Moms To- Do List

EVERYTHING.

My name is not Mommy and how the hell did I get here?

It wasn't long ago that I was just a thirty-something year old with a 9yr old son, living in a small apartment, across the street from my mother. I was happily single, with my two best friends living right next door to me. I went out every weekend and a few times during the week (one of the perks of living so close to mom), on the downside, I only dated guys with white cars, so my mom would think I was only dating one guy at a time. I was SO good at being single, I was almost a professional! (but that my friends, is for another post)

So, I was a professional, single girl, with no dreams for the future, then........HE pulled up, in his crappy, 1980's, red camaro, engine revving, radio blasting, full crack down the middle of the windshield, and that was it. Next thing I know, I'm married to a guy 9 years younger than me (that is very fertile).....I realize after 3 more kids!  I live in another state, have a different last name, drive a mini-van and have no friends!

Who the hell am I? When did that crease in my face get there, I thought it was just because I was tired, but its been 2 months and it hasn't gone away! What happened to my cute body? Why don't my clothes fit anymore? Is that a grey hair? Why is there human poop on the bathroom floor! Who put the tube of toothpaste in the toilet? And why do these little people keep calling me MOMMY!