1. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you are sitting on your child's matchbox car and do not even realize it.
2. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you hip-check your children across the room when you walk by them and don't even notice.
3. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you think there is enough room on the couch for you to fit in between two of your children and end up half sitting on one of them.
4.You know your have a big mommy butt if: you are looking at a picture of a woman, thinking she has such a big ass, only to realize that its YOU in the picture.
5. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you have stopped asking your husband "Do these pants make my butt look big"
6. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you no longer use a hand mirror to check out how your butt looks before leaving the house.
7. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you think twice about sitting in the tiny chairs at your child's preschool.
8. You know you have a big mommy butt if: your child says "Mommy, you have a big butt"
9. You know you have a big mommy butt if: your new jeans come with a "wide load" sticker stuck to the back.
10. You know you have a big mommy butt if: your children are following you, when you make a sudden stop and the first child bumps into your butt, bounces off and knocks down the rest of the kids behind them.
11. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you look at the cute pants you used to wear before you had children and believe they shrunk about 10 sizes from the fluctuating temperatures up in the attic.
12. You know you have a big mommy butt if: its like lost and found when you get off the couch.
13. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you hear a beep, beep, beep sound in your head as your backing up.
And finally, you know if you have a big mommy butt if: your a mommy that has a big butt.
Living with a big mommy butt is not easy, but you have the power to change that. You must make the choice to accept the butt you now have, or to do something about it and make it the butt you want to have.
I am working on changing my big mommy butt, one day I might just be brave enough to get my hand mirror out and check out the view, but for now I'm just happy that it is all behind me. :)
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Adventures In Vacuuming
My vacuum and I have a love/hate relationship, it is my weapon, my black mail tool, and sometimes my enemy. I use it to battle my nemesis....the spider! They don't have a chance with my super sucker, I can reach them up in the corners and across the floor, when they are trying to make a quick getaway. My vacuum also transforms into an important bargaining tool. When the kids refuse to pick up their rooms, all I have to do is wheel out my scary friend and the kids go running to their rooms to save the Polly's and army guys from death. It also works well in getting rid of the cats for an hour or so.
My vacuum does have a little bit of an ego, its power and its quickness, is sometimes more than I can handle. It seems to have a mind of its own, sucking up everything in its path. It once sucked up a fluffy cat toy, I only got a quick look at it before it was disappearing into the long skinny attachment, I freaked out, thinking I was sucking up my cats tail! I accidentally sucked up a sock the other day, it wasn't a little one either, it was a full size, adult sock....what a funny noise it made "thooooooouuup", I was pretty impressed with my vacuum's suction to tell you the truth. Then came the dreaded task of fishing it out of the dust canister, not my favorite chore. I grabbed the tongs and carefully removed the sock from the filter of my vacuum. It was so hairy and dusty that my kids ran away screaming, they thought it was a dead animal! It was pretty gross. So, into the trash it went, just like the "Oops, sorry mommy, I pooped a little bit in my underwear" underwear, it just isn't worth it to me. Get rid of the evidence quick and its like it never happened.
Vacuuming is always a dramatic event, its like a rated PG13 movie, there is a little violence, swearing, horror, and of course, comedy. There has never been a time when I haven't walked away with some kind of injury after vacuuming the house, mostly, bumps and bruises, except for this one time. The vacuum got hold of the ties on the bottom of my Capri's, it sucked them up so quick, I fought with them for a good 3 or 4 minutes before I thought of hitting the power button to shut the vacuum off! (dumb a**) I pulled my ties out, but didn't realize they were covered in melted rubber. It ended up burning all my fingers on my right hand. The rubber was melted onto my skin, kind of like hot glue, when you don't believe the glue is really that hot! It was painful for a few days, but not as painful as telling my husband what happened. Did you ever see that movie, A Cry in the Dark, with Meryl Streep? ''The dingo ate my baby", that's all I could think of while I was explaining to my husband what had happened. "The vacuum ate my pants".
I'm working on forgiving my vacuum, it has done a lot of dirty work for me, like taking care of bugs, tumbleweeds, hairballs, mysterious gross things and all the hairy treasures under the couch. We are a team and we mean business. When I roll that baby out, watch out...because it will always be an adventure!
My vacuum does have a little bit of an ego, its power and its quickness, is sometimes more than I can handle. It seems to have a mind of its own, sucking up everything in its path. It once sucked up a fluffy cat toy, I only got a quick look at it before it was disappearing into the long skinny attachment, I freaked out, thinking I was sucking up my cats tail! I accidentally sucked up a sock the other day, it wasn't a little one either, it was a full size, adult sock....what a funny noise it made "thooooooouuup", I was pretty impressed with my vacuum's suction to tell you the truth. Then came the dreaded task of fishing it out of the dust canister, not my favorite chore. I grabbed the tongs and carefully removed the sock from the filter of my vacuum. It was so hairy and dusty that my kids ran away screaming, they thought it was a dead animal! It was pretty gross. So, into the trash it went, just like the "Oops, sorry mommy, I pooped a little bit in my underwear" underwear, it just isn't worth it to me. Get rid of the evidence quick and its like it never happened.
Vacuuming is always a dramatic event, its like a rated PG13 movie, there is a little violence, swearing, horror, and of course, comedy. There has never been a time when I haven't walked away with some kind of injury after vacuuming the house, mostly, bumps and bruises, except for this one time. The vacuum got hold of the ties on the bottom of my Capri's, it sucked them up so quick, I fought with them for a good 3 or 4 minutes before I thought of hitting the power button to shut the vacuum off! (dumb a**) I pulled my ties out, but didn't realize they were covered in melted rubber. It ended up burning all my fingers on my right hand. The rubber was melted onto my skin, kind of like hot glue, when you don't believe the glue is really that hot! It was painful for a few days, but not as painful as telling my husband what happened. Did you ever see that movie, A Cry in the Dark, with Meryl Streep? ''The dingo ate my baby", that's all I could think of while I was explaining to my husband what had happened. "The vacuum ate my pants".
I'm working on forgiving my vacuum, it has done a lot of dirty work for me, like taking care of bugs, tumbleweeds, hairballs, mysterious gross things and all the hairy treasures under the couch. We are a team and we mean business. When I roll that baby out, watch out...because it will always be an adventure!
Friday, April 1, 2011
Moms Are Just Women.....But With Super Powers
I believe that women come into their powers, not at a certain age, but at the moment when they give birth. They suddenly become superhuman.
I used to believe that my own mother was an alien, she knew what I was up to, even though she was nowhere to be seen. She seemed to be able to be in two places at once. She used her mind-control on my teachers, so that I would pass the 7th grade, even though I went to school only once a week. She knew things, she had an intense stare that could make you do things, she was almost spooky! I wondered when she would be found out and we would be sent back to our home planet, then one day, I realized, she wasn't an alien, she was just a MOM.
Since I've become a mom, I have come into my own super powers, I now understand how my mother did what she did and still does what she does. If your a mom, I'm sure your aware of these magical powers you now have, but for those of you who are not mothers or are soon to be moms, here is a list of some of the abilities us moms have acquired.
1. Supersonic hearing- we hear things, even dogs can't hear.
2. The extra set of eyes in the back of our head- just because you don't see us looking, doesn't mean we don't know what your doing.
3. Ultra sensitive sniffer- we can smell poop to soup and what was unknowingly sprayed on the cat.
4. Voice changer- our ability to go from sweet baby talk, to "I mean business", to POSSESSED, in a matter of seconds.
5. Healing kisses
6. Safety hands
7. Sleep aid
8. Magic hugs
9. Elastic arms
10. Evil eye
11. Bug detection
12. Third arm
We might not have the silky, red cape, or the ability to fly, but we do have an alter ego and its called MOM. We drive our cool mom-mobile (also known to non-moms, as the mini-van). We are just a flash of shimmery hair, big purses and large sunglasses (for identity purposes), trying to get our to-do-lists done by 8pm, so we can finally (maybe) rest, get a snack (the only one we don't have to share with anyone), sit down (amongst the tiny toys and stale fishys) and watch our reality TV, while we make our new to-do-list for tomorrow.
I used to believe that my own mother was an alien, she knew what I was up to, even though she was nowhere to be seen. She seemed to be able to be in two places at once. She used her mind-control on my teachers, so that I would pass the 7th grade, even though I went to school only once a week. She knew things, she had an intense stare that could make you do things, she was almost spooky! I wondered when she would be found out and we would be sent back to our home planet, then one day, I realized, she wasn't an alien, she was just a MOM.
Since I've become a mom, I have come into my own super powers, I now understand how my mother did what she did and still does what she does. If your a mom, I'm sure your aware of these magical powers you now have, but for those of you who are not mothers or are soon to be moms, here is a list of some of the abilities us moms have acquired.
1. Supersonic hearing- we hear things, even dogs can't hear.
2. The extra set of eyes in the back of our head- just because you don't see us looking, doesn't mean we don't know what your doing.
3. Ultra sensitive sniffer- we can smell poop to soup and what was unknowingly sprayed on the cat.
4. Voice changer- our ability to go from sweet baby talk, to "I mean business", to POSSESSED, in a matter of seconds.
5. Healing kisses
6. Safety hands
7. Sleep aid
8. Magic hugs
9. Elastic arms
10. Evil eye
11. Bug detection
12. Third arm
We might not have the silky, red cape, or the ability to fly, but we do have an alter ego and its called MOM. We drive our cool mom-mobile (also known to non-moms, as the mini-van). We are just a flash of shimmery hair, big purses and large sunglasses (for identity purposes), trying to get our to-do-lists done by 8pm, so we can finally (maybe) rest, get a snack (the only one we don't have to share with anyone), sit down (amongst the tiny toys and stale fishys) and watch our reality TV, while we make our new to-do-list for tomorrow.
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