Sunday, May 22, 2011
The Naked Truth
I am seriously thinking about moving my family to the nearest nudist colony, so I can cut back on doing so many loads of laundry per day.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Am I really talking?
Sometimes I'm not sure if I am really talking to my kids, or if their ears are just flapped over and they cannot hear me. I have to say things 3 or 4 times until they even acknowledge that I am talking to them. Another 5 or 6 times until they actually hear what I am saying to them. Another 2 hours until they finally do what I've been asking them to do! I feel like all I do is repeat myself, the same phrases over and over. I am so sick of saying these things...
Welcome to my day. :)
- Get your finger out of your nose!
- Get your finger out of your sister's nose!
- What button did you push?
- How did you get your finger stuck in there?
- Where is your brother?
- Don't eat that!
- Please eat!
- Get off the cat!
- Get off your head!
- Get off your sister's head!
- Don't spit that out!
- Spit that out right now!
- Pick that up!
- Don't you dare pick that up!
- Don't put that on your head!
- Get out of the trash!
- Don't do that!
- Will you just do it!
- What is your name?
- How old are you?
- Don't put that in your pants!
- Please stop talking!
Welcome to my day. :)
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Crappy, Oops, I mean, Happy Mothers Day
A day of sweet, handmade cards, that my husband will force the kids to make. I know the only reason the kids will sit through it, is because they get to use the glue sticks! My hands will be sticky after the first card, I will then stick to all the other cards and accidentally pull off the tiny sparkly details, that will cause some kind of breakdown for sure. Then I will go vacuum under the table, where they made the cards the night before.
Breakfast in bed...more like, coffee on the couch.
I'll do a few loads of laundry, empty and refill the dishwasher, give the kids a nutritious breakfast of powdered donuts and juice. I'll take a nice long shower, most likely with a couple kids taking their morning poops in the bathroom with me. I will break up a few wrestling matches, clean up the house, and fight with the kids to get themselves dressed.
My husband is buying me an outdoor swing for my special day. Four kids, at Lowes, on a Sunday....I just can't wait! I will con my husband into getting me some flowers to plant in the yard, oh, and also picking up moms day flowers for my own mother. The rest of the day will be spent telling the kids about 80 times why we are not planting the flowers in the yard TODAY. We will visit Nana and Gramma. A few tantrums will break out (I call them nutties) when its time to leave. On the way home, the kids will ask, another 40 times if we can plant the flowers when we get home.
I will come home to a messy house and whiny kids and my husband leaving for work. I will clean up the house, get the kids washed up and off to bed. I will finally get to sit down with my computer and try to watch my reality show, I will have to pause it 3 or 4 times, because my daughter will keep getting out of bed to ask me if we can plant the flowers tomorrow.
Moms do not get a free pass, even on Mothers Day. So, enjoy your day of sticky hands, 1000 questions, and everything you normally do in a non-Mothers Day day. We are moms, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year and we wouldn't have it any other way. Happy/Crappy Mothers Day to you!
Breakfast in bed...more like, coffee on the couch.
I'll do a few loads of laundry, empty and refill the dishwasher, give the kids a nutritious breakfast of powdered donuts and juice. I'll take a nice long shower, most likely with a couple kids taking their morning poops in the bathroom with me. I will break up a few wrestling matches, clean up the house, and fight with the kids to get themselves dressed.
My husband is buying me an outdoor swing for my special day. Four kids, at Lowes, on a Sunday....I just can't wait! I will con my husband into getting me some flowers to plant in the yard, oh, and also picking up moms day flowers for my own mother. The rest of the day will be spent telling the kids about 80 times why we are not planting the flowers in the yard TODAY. We will visit Nana and Gramma. A few tantrums will break out (I call them nutties) when its time to leave. On the way home, the kids will ask, another 40 times if we can plant the flowers when we get home.
I will come home to a messy house and whiny kids and my husband leaving for work. I will clean up the house, get the kids washed up and off to bed. I will finally get to sit down with my computer and try to watch my reality show, I will have to pause it 3 or 4 times, because my daughter will keep getting out of bed to ask me if we can plant the flowers tomorrow.
Moms do not get a free pass, even on Mothers Day. So, enjoy your day of sticky hands, 1000 questions, and everything you normally do in a non-Mothers Day day. We are moms, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year and we wouldn't have it any other way. Happy/Crappy Mothers Day to you!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Drop That Cupcake Diet
I've been on a diet now, for about 30 years. I still have not reached my goal weight. I have done the Slim Fast diet, the Weight Watchers diet, the starvation diet, the kids picking off of your plate diet, along with a few other crazy diets. I do not have time in my day to count each calorie I eat, or every point I consume. I don't want to drink my meal from a can or die from starvation. I think every woman is looking for a way to lose weight, the faster the better. If that way is also healthy, wouldn't that be excellent?
Being a mom, we usually put our needs last, There is just not enough time in the day to fit in a trip to the gym, or a leisurely run.. unless the carriage your children are in, gets loose and rolls down the driveway headed toward the street. I have tried to work out at home. Yoga ball workout, turned into 3 kids bouncing on an upside down mom and a few bumped heads. Zumba, turned into 3 kids in their underwear, wrestling to Reggaeton music. Latin dance ended in a few squished toes and a lot of crying, and Turbo Jam brought out the karate kids, little fists and feet flying everywhere. I will not give up, trying to fit a workout in my day somewhere, but for now, we do a cardio cleanup, where we run around the house and try and pick up the messy rooms as fast as we can, the kids get excited that I am letting them run in the house and I am happy that they are actually putting things away as they fly down the hall.
Even though you can't fit an hour long workout into your day, you can still lose weight. By just changing what you eat, you will drop pounds and feel better about your self. I am not saying that you shouldn't try and find time to exercise, but don't put off your diet because you think it won't do any good unless you workout. I have recently lost 18 pounds by just changing the way I eat. Through my chiropractor, who is also a nutritionist, I have learned a new, healthy way to consume food, have more energy and never be hungry. With all this new energy I have, maybe, just maybe, I will find time in my day to start working out. I think I will start.....next week. :)
In my next post, I will talk about the diet and all the information I have learned. For now, drop that cupcake and think thin, healthy thoughts.
Being a mom, we usually put our needs last, There is just not enough time in the day to fit in a trip to the gym, or a leisurely run.. unless the carriage your children are in, gets loose and rolls down the driveway headed toward the street. I have tried to work out at home. Yoga ball workout, turned into 3 kids bouncing on an upside down mom and a few bumped heads. Zumba, turned into 3 kids in their underwear, wrestling to Reggaeton music. Latin dance ended in a few squished toes and a lot of crying, and Turbo Jam brought out the karate kids, little fists and feet flying everywhere. I will not give up, trying to fit a workout in my day somewhere, but for now, we do a cardio cleanup, where we run around the house and try and pick up the messy rooms as fast as we can, the kids get excited that I am letting them run in the house and I am happy that they are actually putting things away as they fly down the hall.
Even though you can't fit an hour long workout into your day, you can still lose weight. By just changing what you eat, you will drop pounds and feel better about your self. I am not saying that you shouldn't try and find time to exercise, but don't put off your diet because you think it won't do any good unless you workout. I have recently lost 18 pounds by just changing the way I eat. Through my chiropractor, who is also a nutritionist, I have learned a new, healthy way to consume food, have more energy and never be hungry. With all this new energy I have, maybe, just maybe, I will find time in my day to start working out. I think I will start.....next week. :)
In my next post, I will talk about the diet and all the information I have learned. For now, drop that cupcake and think thin, healthy thoughts.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
You know if you have a big mommy butt if:
1. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you are sitting on your child's matchbox car and do not even realize it.
2. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you hip-check your children across the room when you walk by them and don't even notice.
3. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you think there is enough room on the couch for you to fit in between two of your children and end up half sitting on one of them.
4.You know your have a big mommy butt if: you are looking at a picture of a woman, thinking she has such a big ass, only to realize that its YOU in the picture.
5. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you have stopped asking your husband "Do these pants make my butt look big"
6. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you no longer use a hand mirror to check out how your butt looks before leaving the house.
7. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you think twice about sitting in the tiny chairs at your child's preschool.
8. You know you have a big mommy butt if: your child says "Mommy, you have a big butt"
9. You know you have a big mommy butt if: your new jeans come with a "wide load" sticker stuck to the back.
10. You know you have a big mommy butt if: your children are following you, when you make a sudden stop and the first child bumps into your butt, bounces off and knocks down the rest of the kids behind them.
11. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you look at the cute pants you used to wear before you had children and believe they shrunk about 10 sizes from the fluctuating temperatures up in the attic.
12. You know you have a big mommy butt if: its like lost and found when you get off the couch.
13. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you hear a beep, beep, beep sound in your head as your backing up.
And finally, you know if you have a big mommy butt if: your a mommy that has a big butt.
Living with a big mommy butt is not easy, but you have the power to change that. You must make the choice to accept the butt you now have, or to do something about it and make it the butt you want to have.
I am working on changing my big mommy butt, one day I might just be brave enough to get my hand mirror out and check out the view, but for now I'm just happy that it is all behind me. :)
2. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you hip-check your children across the room when you walk by them and don't even notice.
3. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you think there is enough room on the couch for you to fit in between two of your children and end up half sitting on one of them.
4.You know your have a big mommy butt if: you are looking at a picture of a woman, thinking she has such a big ass, only to realize that its YOU in the picture.
5. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you have stopped asking your husband "Do these pants make my butt look big"
6. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you no longer use a hand mirror to check out how your butt looks before leaving the house.
7. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you think twice about sitting in the tiny chairs at your child's preschool.
8. You know you have a big mommy butt if: your child says "Mommy, you have a big butt"
9. You know you have a big mommy butt if: your new jeans come with a "wide load" sticker stuck to the back.
10. You know you have a big mommy butt if: your children are following you, when you make a sudden stop and the first child bumps into your butt, bounces off and knocks down the rest of the kids behind them.
11. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you look at the cute pants you used to wear before you had children and believe they shrunk about 10 sizes from the fluctuating temperatures up in the attic.
12. You know you have a big mommy butt if: its like lost and found when you get off the couch.
13. You know you have a big mommy butt if: you hear a beep, beep, beep sound in your head as your backing up.
And finally, you know if you have a big mommy butt if: your a mommy that has a big butt.
Living with a big mommy butt is not easy, but you have the power to change that. You must make the choice to accept the butt you now have, or to do something about it and make it the butt you want to have.
I am working on changing my big mommy butt, one day I might just be brave enough to get my hand mirror out and check out the view, but for now I'm just happy that it is all behind me. :)
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Adventures In Vacuuming
My vacuum and I have a love/hate relationship, it is my weapon, my black mail tool, and sometimes my enemy. I use it to battle my nemesis....the spider! They don't have a chance with my super sucker, I can reach them up in the corners and across the floor, when they are trying to make a quick getaway. My vacuum also transforms into an important bargaining tool. When the kids refuse to pick up their rooms, all I have to do is wheel out my scary friend and the kids go running to their rooms to save the Polly's and army guys from death. It also works well in getting rid of the cats for an hour or so.
My vacuum does have a little bit of an ego, its power and its quickness, is sometimes more than I can handle. It seems to have a mind of its own, sucking up everything in its path. It once sucked up a fluffy cat toy, I only got a quick look at it before it was disappearing into the long skinny attachment, I freaked out, thinking I was sucking up my cats tail! I accidentally sucked up a sock the other day, it wasn't a little one either, it was a full size, adult sock....what a funny noise it made "thooooooouuup", I was pretty impressed with my vacuum's suction to tell you the truth. Then came the dreaded task of fishing it out of the dust canister, not my favorite chore. I grabbed the tongs and carefully removed the sock from the filter of my vacuum. It was so hairy and dusty that my kids ran away screaming, they thought it was a dead animal! It was pretty gross. So, into the trash it went, just like the "Oops, sorry mommy, I pooped a little bit in my underwear" underwear, it just isn't worth it to me. Get rid of the evidence quick and its like it never happened.
Vacuuming is always a dramatic event, its like a rated PG13 movie, there is a little violence, swearing, horror, and of course, comedy. There has never been a time when I haven't walked away with some kind of injury after vacuuming the house, mostly, bumps and bruises, except for this one time. The vacuum got hold of the ties on the bottom of my Capri's, it sucked them up so quick, I fought with them for a good 3 or 4 minutes before I thought of hitting the power button to shut the vacuum off! (dumb a**) I pulled my ties out, but didn't realize they were covered in melted rubber. It ended up burning all my fingers on my right hand. The rubber was melted onto my skin, kind of like hot glue, when you don't believe the glue is really that hot! It was painful for a few days, but not as painful as telling my husband what happened. Did you ever see that movie, A Cry in the Dark, with Meryl Streep? ''The dingo ate my baby", that's all I could think of while I was explaining to my husband what had happened. "The vacuum ate my pants".
I'm working on forgiving my vacuum, it has done a lot of dirty work for me, like taking care of bugs, tumbleweeds, hairballs, mysterious gross things and all the hairy treasures under the couch. We are a team and we mean business. When I roll that baby out, watch out...because it will always be an adventure!
My vacuum does have a little bit of an ego, its power and its quickness, is sometimes more than I can handle. It seems to have a mind of its own, sucking up everything in its path. It once sucked up a fluffy cat toy, I only got a quick look at it before it was disappearing into the long skinny attachment, I freaked out, thinking I was sucking up my cats tail! I accidentally sucked up a sock the other day, it wasn't a little one either, it was a full size, adult sock....what a funny noise it made "thooooooouuup", I was pretty impressed with my vacuum's suction to tell you the truth. Then came the dreaded task of fishing it out of the dust canister, not my favorite chore. I grabbed the tongs and carefully removed the sock from the filter of my vacuum. It was so hairy and dusty that my kids ran away screaming, they thought it was a dead animal! It was pretty gross. So, into the trash it went, just like the "Oops, sorry mommy, I pooped a little bit in my underwear" underwear, it just isn't worth it to me. Get rid of the evidence quick and its like it never happened.
Vacuuming is always a dramatic event, its like a rated PG13 movie, there is a little violence, swearing, horror, and of course, comedy. There has never been a time when I haven't walked away with some kind of injury after vacuuming the house, mostly, bumps and bruises, except for this one time. The vacuum got hold of the ties on the bottom of my Capri's, it sucked them up so quick, I fought with them for a good 3 or 4 minutes before I thought of hitting the power button to shut the vacuum off! (dumb a**) I pulled my ties out, but didn't realize they were covered in melted rubber. It ended up burning all my fingers on my right hand. The rubber was melted onto my skin, kind of like hot glue, when you don't believe the glue is really that hot! It was painful for a few days, but not as painful as telling my husband what happened. Did you ever see that movie, A Cry in the Dark, with Meryl Streep? ''The dingo ate my baby", that's all I could think of while I was explaining to my husband what had happened. "The vacuum ate my pants".
I'm working on forgiving my vacuum, it has done a lot of dirty work for me, like taking care of bugs, tumbleweeds, hairballs, mysterious gross things and all the hairy treasures under the couch. We are a team and we mean business. When I roll that baby out, watch out...because it will always be an adventure!
Friday, April 1, 2011
Moms Are Just Women.....But With Super Powers
I believe that women come into their powers, not at a certain age, but at the moment when they give birth. They suddenly become superhuman.
I used to believe that my own mother was an alien, she knew what I was up to, even though she was nowhere to be seen. She seemed to be able to be in two places at once. She used her mind-control on my teachers, so that I would pass the 7th grade, even though I went to school only once a week. She knew things, she had an intense stare that could make you do things, she was almost spooky! I wondered when she would be found out and we would be sent back to our home planet, then one day, I realized, she wasn't an alien, she was just a MOM.
Since I've become a mom, I have come into my own super powers, I now understand how my mother did what she did and still does what she does. If your a mom, I'm sure your aware of these magical powers you now have, but for those of you who are not mothers or are soon to be moms, here is a list of some of the abilities us moms have acquired.
1. Supersonic hearing- we hear things, even dogs can't hear.
2. The extra set of eyes in the back of our head- just because you don't see us looking, doesn't mean we don't know what your doing.
3. Ultra sensitive sniffer- we can smell poop to soup and what was unknowingly sprayed on the cat.
4. Voice changer- our ability to go from sweet baby talk, to "I mean business", to POSSESSED, in a matter of seconds.
5. Healing kisses
6. Safety hands
7. Sleep aid
8. Magic hugs
9. Elastic arms
10. Evil eye
11. Bug detection
12. Third arm
We might not have the silky, red cape, or the ability to fly, but we do have an alter ego and its called MOM. We drive our cool mom-mobile (also known to non-moms, as the mini-van). We are just a flash of shimmery hair, big purses and large sunglasses (for identity purposes), trying to get our to-do-lists done by 8pm, so we can finally (maybe) rest, get a snack (the only one we don't have to share with anyone), sit down (amongst the tiny toys and stale fishys) and watch our reality TV, while we make our new to-do-list for tomorrow.
I used to believe that my own mother was an alien, she knew what I was up to, even though she was nowhere to be seen. She seemed to be able to be in two places at once. She used her mind-control on my teachers, so that I would pass the 7th grade, even though I went to school only once a week. She knew things, she had an intense stare that could make you do things, she was almost spooky! I wondered when she would be found out and we would be sent back to our home planet, then one day, I realized, she wasn't an alien, she was just a MOM.
Since I've become a mom, I have come into my own super powers, I now understand how my mother did what she did and still does what she does. If your a mom, I'm sure your aware of these magical powers you now have, but for those of you who are not mothers or are soon to be moms, here is a list of some of the abilities us moms have acquired.
1. Supersonic hearing- we hear things, even dogs can't hear.
2. The extra set of eyes in the back of our head- just because you don't see us looking, doesn't mean we don't know what your doing.
3. Ultra sensitive sniffer- we can smell poop to soup and what was unknowingly sprayed on the cat.
4. Voice changer- our ability to go from sweet baby talk, to "I mean business", to POSSESSED, in a matter of seconds.
5. Healing kisses
6. Safety hands
7. Sleep aid
8. Magic hugs
9. Elastic arms
10. Evil eye
11. Bug detection
12. Third arm
We might not have the silky, red cape, or the ability to fly, but we do have an alter ego and its called MOM. We drive our cool mom-mobile (also known to non-moms, as the mini-van). We are just a flash of shimmery hair, big purses and large sunglasses (for identity purposes), trying to get our to-do-lists done by 8pm, so we can finally (maybe) rest, get a snack (the only one we don't have to share with anyone), sit down (amongst the tiny toys and stale fishys) and watch our reality TV, while we make our new to-do-list for tomorrow.
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